PHM: You are known as the “Sober Sexpert.” Please tell us more about your career and philosophy.
TL: I would say I’m a millennial with a bunch of jobs; a Capricorn who gets sh*t done. Above everything else, I’m a mental health advocate–all of my work comes under that umbrella. So all of my work aims at de-stigmatizing addiction, sobriety, mental health, sex, dating…I like to talk about the really taboo stuff because I think silence is what keeps things stigmatized. I like to shake sh*t up! 

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PHM: Tell us about your book “Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze.”
TL: I knew I wanted to write a book about sober sex and dating, and I wanted a title that would pull people in and make them giggle. The title’s intentional because the topic of sober sex and sober dating can be heavy. There are a lot of tough chapters in that book, but that’s why I studied comedy writing—I wanted these things to be funny and relatable, to show that life is tough, but we’re going to get through it with a laugh. The hardest chapter to write was the one about sexual assault and PTSD—the role the ‘Me Too’ movement plays in alcohol use. If you look at all these “Me Too” cases, the common denominator is alcohol or spiking drinks. That was the hardest chapter to write was the one about sexual assault and PTSD—the role the ‘Me Too’ movement plays in alcohol use. If you look at all these “Me Too” cases, the common denominator is alcohol or spiking drinks. That was really heavy to write about and research. At book signings, that’s the chapter people talk to me about. They’ll say, “This chapter helped me so much…” and I’m glad I gave them that. Then there might be a line of 20 people saying the same thing. I asked my therapist, “How do I respectfully handle these interactions when someone’s telling me about being raped?” and she said, “They just want to be heard. Maybe you can offer to give them a hug. You can say thank you for coming, thank you for sharing.” That advice was really helpful, and I’m glad that chapter exists because no one else is talking about the link between sexual assault and alcohol use, and it’s important.

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PHM: In 2015, motivated by concerns about your alcohol consumption, you embarked on a social experiment by choosing sobriety, a decision that significantly improved your life. Could you share more details about this transformative experience?
TL: I’m coming up on 10 years sober. I was fairly new to New York City, and was at a pub drinking with friends. We were talking about how I don't have enough time to write and my friends don't have enough time to audition for roles. We all don't have enough time to do the things we want to do…but we're sitting here drinking? 
   That just really snatched me where I was like, maybe alcohol is getting in the way of my creativity.  My 30th birthday was coming up, and I thought, ‘What if I just don't drink for a year, and I see how that impacts my writing?’ And that was really the goal. I didn't know much about addiction or mental health or anything like that. This was before we had the term, “sober curious.” That's definitely what I was – sober curious. I was really curious about my relationship with alcohol, specifically how it interacted with me as a writer. Then pretty quickly I started writing a lot more; I got more bylines. I was asked to be on podcasts. I became a better writer, enrolled in writing classes, and really dedicated myself to my craft. And the social experiment goes on.

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PHM: What were some of the immediate changes you noticed when you quit drinking?
TL: I got into therapy that first year, which helped tremendously, just addressing why I was drinking the way that I was drinking, getting a proper mental health diagnosis, and getting on proper medication instead of self-medicating. I know a lot of writers and artists are apprehensive when it comes to medication because they don't want to mess with their brain. I totally get that. For me, I needed it, and to get on the proper medication. That helped me get on a baseline level of sanity. From there, I'm sleeping better, I'm exercising more, I'm having more intentional experiences with friends, on dates…things like that. I'm becoming more myself. I'm becoming more confident as a person, which  helps hook up many avenues of your life. And so, I was right–alcohol was absolutely in the way of my writing.

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PHM: What other healthier habits have you picked up?
TL: I often talk about the importance of hobbies when you're making any big lifestyle change. You have to replace that thing, that time of day, with something else. I studied improv, comedy writing, and Spanish. I got really into my intellectual curiosity and just started doing all these things I said I’d do one day, such as writing about mental health and making it funny, which led to comedy classes. I never thought one day I’d be on stage doing improv in New York City. Learning the principles of improv and  implementing that into my writing even changed the form of how I interview.These things that you pick up show up in random ways that you wouldn't expect. I also got into reading fiction novels as a way to “escape.”

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PHM: Your spouse, Nick, is a sommelier and together you launched a non-alcoholic beverage. Tell us about it.
TL: Nick and I started a non-alcoholic spirits brand called (parentheses)–we went with the literary vibe. My husband's also sober and one of his early sobriety hobbies was fermentation. He got really into making vinegar, and I was a whiskey drinker who missed a stiff drink. All the non-alcoholic whiskies out there just didn't really do it for me, so we put our brains together. He makes seaweed vinegar; he literally takes seaweed and ferments it into vinegar, and then we extract botanicals with it, and that gave me the bite that I missed from a thick drink–the vinegar, the botanicals…it’s a slow sipper, which is what we wanted. A lot of the non alcoholic drinks are really sweet and carbonated and we went the opposite route. It’s bitter, strong, and we're having fun with it.

 

Because Nick’s a sommelier, his skills, his palate, and knowledge of flavor profiles, really helped develop our drink. It’s a fully legit business in Brooklyn, and we have a commercial kitchen. We’re getting the drink into more restaurants and we just got into a two star Michelin restaurant in Brooklyn, so we’re finding our footing in that market.

PHM: What else do you want our readers to know about the sobriety/health/relationship connection?
TL: Just because I'm sober, doesn’t mean I'm anti-alcohol. (The book) “Dry Humping's goal is really to inspire people to de-center alcohol from their relationships. I went with the idea of “liquid courage” because it’s more relatable, especially for people who still drink. They connect with that phrase more than with words like “addiction” or “giving something up forever.” For me, it was about finding real confidence. I wasn’t a confident person, so I drank a lot, thinking it made me confident. But that wasn’t real confidence. And that version of you—the one without real confidence—that’s who’s showing up on dates, in the boardroom, in the bedroom, and with friends. It’s not the real you. So I started breaking that concept apart—breaking my own confidence apart—and rebuilding it by taking classes, writing and putting myself out there…and meeting new people. I didn’t realize how much drinking had affected every relationship I had. I wasn’t showing up as my authentic self. I was people-pleasing and codependent. 
  And on a physical level? There are real issues—safety, consent, and even pleasure. If you’re drinking to numb emotions, you’re also numbing your body. That can lead to things like erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, and other barriers to fully experiencing intimacy. These are all really important things.

Tawny and writer Lisa Smith's book Dry Humping is available via Amazon.

Follow Tawny on Instagram at @tawnymlara.

Tawny and writer Lisa Smith co-host a mental health and music podcast called “Recovery Rocks”—tune in wherever you listen to podcasts. Together, they also created The Sobriety Deck: Simple Practices for a Booze-Free Lifestyle, a 50-card deck available on Amazon. Tawny’s book Dry Humping is also available via Amazon. 

To learn more about (parenthesis), visit drinkparentheses.com.  Follow Tawny on Instagram at @tawnymlara.